Going Outside.

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When we bought a new car, we suddenly saw it at every traffic light and in every car parking space. 

 The same thing happened when we found out I wouldn't be able to have a baby.  Suddenly every advert on the TV was about Aptamil follow on milk, every woman had a baby bump and every coffee shop was full of babies.

 It is beyond difficult and in truth I'm so jealous.  I look around and wish for a different future.  I mute the TV and change the channel.  I put my head down in the supermarket and go down a different aisle.  I have to leave coffee shops mid drink.  I struggle going outside.

 I'm struggling.  The future is so uncertain and the date for the hysterectomy looms closer.  I don't know if we will ever be lucky enough to have a family.  I don't know how many more times I can keep crying in public.  I don't know how many more times I'll be able to keep going outside without feeling totally consumed by it all.

 I put on a brave face and make light of the situation but it's harder than I ever could have imagined.  I cry at least once a day and struggle to picture the future.  I'm just hoping it gets easier and I stop worrying about stepping outside the door everyday.

 Emily x

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