A Reflection.

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As 2018 draws to a close I’ve completely crashed and burned, the last 12 months have been so tough and I’ve realised how suddenly life can throw a curveball at you and everything you dreamed and hoped for can change in an instance.  

We got some pretty shit results from the fertility clinic last week and having a biological baby via surrogacy is unfortunately no longer an option for us.  How do you grieve for something you never had or ever will have?

2018 has tested me in so many ways and I’ve had some pretty dark days where I just wanted to give up and leave everything behind.  I’ve cried more tears than I knew were possible and thrown away more snotty tissues than imaginable.

However, 2018 has also been full of firsts and extremely happy moments. I moved in with Luke, I started my dream job and graduated with a first class degree.  I’ve cried lots of happy tears and found myself smiling at how lucky I am.

I’m not going to miss 2018.  I can’t wait for it to be over tomorrow but I know the heartbreak doesn’t end there.  I’ve got a new change of medication, more pain clinic appointments, acupuncture, my hysterectomy and our first adoption open evening all scheduled for 2019.  I’m looking forward to knowing what life is like as a normal 23 year old and not being in pain every single day.  

I never thought I would be infertile and having a hysterectomy at 23.  I never thought I’d have days I wanted to give up.  But I also never thought I’d get to this point and be able to still smile everyday.

I hope 2019 brings both you and I a year of love, happiness and good health.
E x

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