The 6 week journey.

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It’s been 6 weeks.  6 weeks since I woke up and my life was changed.

There are positives. Thousands of them. I barely have a minutes worth of pain a day. I can wear jeans again. I don’t bleed through everything. I feel much better. I feel totally different.  The list could go on.

But there are negatives. I feel low. Like seriously low. Like I’m struggling to get to the next day low.  I know I need some help. I just don’t know how. My GP won’t let me book an appointment until 8am in the morning and by the time I’ve got through they’re gone. How desperate and low do I have to be before they’ll listen?  Luke’s on the case with me now though so hopefully some help is in reach (and he is just generally amazing and supportive every second of the day!)

You know how they say once you’ve got a new car you see it everywhere? Well, yep the same thing. In the last 6 weeks I’ve seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and new baby photos everywhere. I’m happy for them, I am. I promise. But I also have a panic attack and cry inconsolably for about 2 hours. It’s hard. Life is fucking hard.  I can’t avoid it. I can’t shut off from everyone and everything. But god it’s hard. God do I want that life. God do I just want to be able to have a fucking baby.

I’ll get there. I know I will. I’ve felt like this before and come out the other side. I just can’t see the light. It’s all just a fucking dark, dark tunnel at the moment.

Sorry to be so negative. I’m trying to be optimist. Just tomorrow is another challenge. One I know will take it out of me again.

Emily x

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