Emily & Endometriosis.

I wrote a poem to try and verbalise my thoughts following a year since my operation. I have this sort of feeling, A rumble in my gut. I know someday it will happen, Yet I am always saying but... But what if they do not like me, But what if they say not you? But what if we never have a family, But what if it is forever just us two? But what if I never become a mum, But what if I stay this sad? But what if I always feel completely numb, But what if my thoughts remain so bad? But what if I cannot bare to smile, But what if I struggle to think straight? But what if I am riddled with anxiety for a while, But what if I am always in a body I truly hate? I have this sort of feeling, A rumble in my gut. I know someday it will happen, Yet I am always saying but... But what if there is hope, around this dark and twisty bend, But what if one day, my broken heart will mend? But what if there is a child, waiting for my hand, But what if this was how my life, was always ...

Today I turned 24.  I woke up this morning and did not have an ounce of pain in my body. I woke up actually excited as to where this year could take me. Over the last 15 weeks I’ve been majority pain free. I’ve been able to do things I’d forgotten I enjoyed and been able to learn new things about myself.  I feel like the hysterectomy has given me my life back. Here are a few things that I’ve rediscovered I love: Baking Cooking dinner for Luke Wearing high waisted jeans Going for a walk Sleeping on my stomach Wearing a properly fitted and supportive bra! Running up the stairs Meeting up with friends and family Throughout my endometriosis journey, a lot of those things I simple stopped doing. They drained me and they left me heavily bleeding, bloated and in agony. As well as just crippled with anxiety. I am in awe of how my body has managed to get through the worst and come out the other side better than ever. Yep I have the days I struggle with my mental well...

It’s been 6 weeks.  6 weeks since I woke up and my life was changed. There are positives. Thousands of them. I barely have a minutes worth of pain a day. I can wear jeans again. I don’t bleed through everything. I feel much better. I feel totally different.  The list could go on. But there are negatives. I feel low. Like seriously low. Like I’m struggling to get to the next day low.  I know I need some help. I just don’t know how. My GP won’t let me book an appointment until 8am in the morning and by the time I’ve got through they’re gone. How desperate and low do I have to be before they’ll listen?  Luke’s on the case with me now though so hopefully some help is in reach (and he is just generally amazing and supportive every second of the day!) You know how they say once you’ve got a new car you see it everywhere? Well, yep the same thing. In the last 6 weeks I’ve seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and new baby photos everywhere. I’m happ...

Today I had the official confirmation of the date for my full hysterectomy. On Monday, 29th July it is D-Day. How do I feel now? Not a fucking clue. Is it real? Absolutely not. Am I starting to think what if? Every second of every single day. This has never been easy. As we start the next chapter and begin to plan our wedding it is unbelievably hard to think that children may not play a role in our life.  It’s incredibly hard to think about the day a family member or friend will reveal they’re pregnant. It’s gut wrenching to know I might never be a mummy. Honestly, I’ve probably cried everyday for the last few months. I’ve had days I’ve wanted to just curl up and give up. I’ve had days where I just want to jump in front of a bus.  I just thought what is the fucking point. I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying to remember I only have one period to go. I’m trying to remember we will hopefully be approved for adoption.  I’m trying to remember that I have so many ...

As 2018 draws to a close I’ve completely crashed and burned, the last 12 months have been so tough and I’ve realised how suddenly life can throw a curveball at you and everything you dreamed and hoped for can change in an instance.   We got some pretty shit results from the fertility clinic last week and having a biological baby via surrogacy is unfortunately no longer an option for us.  How do you grieve for something you never had or ever will have? 2018 has tested me in so many ways and I’ve had some pretty dark days where I just wanted to give up and leave everything behind.  I’ve cried more tears than I knew were possible and thrown away more snotty tissues than imaginable. However, 2018 has also been full of firsts and extremely happy moments. I moved in with Luke, I started my dream job and graduated with a first class degree.  I’ve cried lots of happy tears and found myself smiling at how lucky I am. I’m not going to miss 2018.  I can’t ...

When we bought a new car, we suddenly saw it at every traffic light and in every car parking space.  The same thing happened when we found out I wouldn't be able to have a baby.  Suddenly every advert on the TV was about Aptamil follow on milk, every woman had a baby bump and every coffee shop was full of babies. It is beyond difficult and in truth I'm so jealous.  I look around and wish for a different future.  I mute the TV and change the channel.  I put my head down in the supermarket and go down a different aisle.  I have to leave coffee shops mid drink.  I struggle going outside. I'm struggling.  The future is so uncertain and the date for the hysterectomy looms closer.  I don't know if we will ever be lucky enough to have a family.  I don't know how many more times I can keep crying in public.  I don't know how many more times I'll be able to keep going outside without feeling totally consumed by it all. I pu...