Emily & Endometriosis.

Today I turned 24.  I woke up this morning and did not have an ounce of pain in my body. I woke up actually excited as to where this year could take me. Over the last 15 weeks I’ve been majority pain free. I’ve been able to do things I’d forgotten I enjoyed and been able to learn new things about myself.  I feel like the hysterectomy has given me my life back. Here are a few things that I’ve rediscovered I love: Baking Cooking dinner for Luke Wearing high waisted jeans Going for a walk Sleeping on my stomach Wearing a properly fitted and supportive bra! Running up the stairs Meeting up with friends and family Throughout my endometriosis journey, a lot of those things I simple stopped doing. They drained me and they left me heavily bleeding, bloated and in agony. As well as just crippled with anxiety. I am in awe of how my body has managed to get through the worst and come out the other side better than ever. Yep I have the days I struggle with my mental well...

It’s been 6 weeks.  6 weeks since I woke up and my life was changed. There are positives. Thousands of them. I barely have a minutes worth of pain a day. I can wear jeans again. I don’t bleed through everything. I feel much better. I feel totally different.  The list could go on. But there are negatives. I feel low. Like seriously low. Like I’m struggling to get to the next day low.  I know I need some help. I just don’t know how. My GP won’t let me book an appointment until 8am in the morning and by the time I’ve got through they’re gone. How desperate and low do I have to be before they’ll listen?  Luke’s on the case with me now though so hopefully some help is in reach (and he is just generally amazing and supportive every second of the day!) You know how they say once you’ve got a new car you see it everywhere? Well, yep the same thing. In the last 6 weeks I’ve seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and new baby photos everywhere. I’m happ...

Today I had the official confirmation of the date for my full hysterectomy. On Monday, 29th July it is D-Day. How do I feel now? Not a fucking clue. Is it real? Absolutely not. Am I starting to think what if? Every second of every single day. This has never been easy. As we start the next chapter and begin to plan our wedding it is unbelievably hard to think that children may not play a role in our life.  It’s incredibly hard to think about the day a family member or friend will reveal they’re pregnant. It’s gut wrenching to know I might never be a mummy. Honestly, I’ve probably cried everyday for the last few months. I’ve had days I’ve wanted to just curl up and give up. I’ve had days where I just want to jump in front of a bus.  I just thought what is the fucking point. I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying to remember I only have one period to go. I’m trying to remember we will hopefully be approved for adoption.  I’m trying to remember that I have so many ...

As 2018 draws to a close I’ve completely crashed and burned, the last 12 months have been so tough and I’ve realised how suddenly life can throw a curveball at you and everything you dreamed and hoped for can change in an instance.   We got some pretty shit results from the fertility clinic last week and having a biological baby via surrogacy is unfortunately no longer an option for us.  How do you grieve for something you never had or ever will have? 2018 has tested me in so many ways and I’ve had some pretty dark days where I just wanted to give up and leave everything behind.  I’ve cried more tears than I knew were possible and thrown away more snotty tissues than imaginable. However, 2018 has also been full of firsts and extremely happy moments. I moved in with Luke, I started my dream job and graduated with a first class degree.  I’ve cried lots of happy tears and found myself smiling at how lucky I am. I’m not going to miss 2018.  I can’t ...

When we bought a new car, we suddenly saw it at every traffic light and in every car parking space.  The same thing happened when we found out I wouldn't be able to have a baby.  Suddenly every advert on the TV was about Aptamil follow on milk, every woman had a baby bump and every coffee shop was full of babies. It is beyond difficult and in truth I'm so jealous.  I look around and wish for a different future.  I mute the TV and change the channel.  I put my head down in the supermarket and go down a different aisle.  I have to leave coffee shops mid drink.  I struggle going outside. I'm struggling.  The future is so uncertain and the date for the hysterectomy looms closer.  I don't know if we will ever be lucky enough to have a family.  I don't know how many more times I can keep crying in public.  I don't know how many more times I'll be able to keep going outside without feeling totally consumed by it all. I pu...

Well first of all, thank you to @katredenius for the Sunshine Blogger Award 2018 nomination.  It is pretty surreal that this blog that started out as a method of release has turned into a blog that has reached an audience all around the world and over 3,000 people.  I have had people from all over the world message me to thank me for sharing my thoughts, advice and knowledge and it is literally the most overwhelming thing.  But anyways, thank you!! I have been a bit MIA again on the blog, I’ve written several blog posts but I just can’t seem to share anything recently.  This journey has been pretty sucky recently and I just wish I had more uplifting and helpful things to share with you guys.   Anyways, the Sunshine Blogger Award.. This award is all about celebrating and recognising bloggers who are positive, inspiring and creative and the winner is voted for by the blogger community.  I had no idea this even existed until the nomination and ...

The last three months have been tough.  There have been tears, snotty noses and a whole load of heartache.  I'm honestly not sure I would have coped without the support of everyone.  People who have messaged me that I haven't heard from in years, my family who have let me talk and scream and cry about all the options going forward, the bestest of friends who have done the same and have gone out of their way to do research and send me links and information about things that they have seen.  Honestly, I'm not sure I would have coped with all of this without them.  So thank you guys!! This week has been particularly tough.  We went back to Manchester to see the fertility clinic and my gynaecologist to talk everything through and start putting our plans into place.  Bleurgh, it sure is a lot to take in. I'm hopefully going to have my hysterectomy next summer, so I have a whole year ahead to plan and research (we know I ...